How To Heal Unhealthy Attachments: Understanding Overgiving & Boundaries.

At our recent volunteer workshop, we explored the often unspoken but deeply felt topic of emotional overgiving—particularly among women—and how it can affect our relationships, sense of self, and overall wellbeing. The session, led by guest speaker Sr Iqra, provided many powerful insights into the emotional habits we develop over time, often rooted in early childhood experiences, and how we can begin to reclaim our emotional balance.

When Giving Becomes a Burden

Many women are natural givers—offering love, time, energy, and support to those around them. But Sr Iqra reminded us that giving must come from a place of love and gratitude, not fear or obligation. When we give too much, especially without receiving, we unintentionally teach others to expect this constant giving. Over time, this dynamic can leave us feeling depleted, undervalued, and disconnected from our own sense of worth.

This overgiving can also condition partners or loved ones to become passive, leading to an imbalance in relationships. True connection, Sr Iqra explained, comes from mutual respect, shared responsibility, and honest emotional exchange—not from one person constantly sacrificing their own needs to maintain peace.

Healthy Relationships Are Built on Freedom

Relationships should never feel like survival. When we find ourselves carefully calculating every word or action to avoid upsetting someone, we are no longer operating from love—we’re operating from fear. This dynamic, often referred to as trauma bonding, is a sign that boundaries have been blurred and that our emotional safety is at risk.

Sr Iqra encouraged us to speak our truth, set healthy boundaries, and remember that a relationship in Islam is meant to bring peace and comfort. As the Qur’an says:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy…” (Qur’an 30:21).

When we suppress our needs and ignore our discomfort, we undermine this very purpose. Instead, we must honour our emotions, seek peace, and recognise that Islam does not ask us to tolerate mistreatment.

The Role of Needs and Boundaries

Many of us struggle to communicate our needs—not because we don’t have them, but because we were conditioned early in life to believe that our needs weren’t valid. Childhood experiences—such as being shamed for expressing feelings or forced to grow up too soon—can create patterns in adulthood where asking for help feels unnatural, and receiving love feels unfamiliar.

Sr Iqra explained that unmet needs often manifest in negative communication patterns like guilt-tripping, blaming, or even emotional withdrawal. These behaviours can drive disconnection and misunderstanding in relationships. True healing begins when we become aware of our needs, take responsibility for them, and communicate them with clarity and compassion.

Redefining Masculine and Feminine Roles

There are many misconceptions surrounding male and female roles in relationships, particularly around the concept of qawwam (leadership). Islam describes the man’s role as one of responsibility and care—not control. A woman’s obedience in Islam is never meant to be blind or unconditional; it is part of a relationship built on mutual respect, love, and the fulfilment of both partners’ rights.

When women are unable or unwilling to express their needs, men can become confused or resentful. Silence, in this case, is not a virtue. Relationships flourish when both partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable and honest with one another.

Childhood Trauma and Its Lingering Effects

Sr Iqra shared that many of our emotional habits stem from childhood experiences—particularly those involving emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers. If we were scolded for being sad, ignored when we were joyful, or punished for being angry, we may have learned to suppress our emotions and needs to feel safe.

This emotional suppression can lead to patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or control-seeking behaviours. Even as adults, we may find ourselves repeating these cycles, choosing partners who echo the same emotional unavailability we experienced growing up.

Reclaiming Feminine Energy and Emotional Intuition

One of the most beautiful parts of the discussion was Sr Iqra’s reminder of the power of feminine energy—an energy rooted in presence, intuition, and emotional connection. While trauma can harden us, make us guarded, and disconnect us from our emotions, healing allows us to return to a state of “being” rather than constant “doing.”

In a healthy dynamic, feminine energy is receptive and grounded, while masculine energy is active and giving. Reclaiming our feminine energy means slowing down, tuning into our inner voice, and allowing ourselves to receive love and support without guilt.

Healing Is a Journey—Not a Destination

The healing process is not about fixing ourselves—it’s about remembering who we truly are beneath the layers of pain, conditioning, and self-protection. It’s about rediscovering joy, ease, and emotional safety.

Sr Iqra introduced a simple yet powerful framework to begin this journey: reflecting on our current patterns, identifying our unmet needs, and setting clear emotional boundaries. This kind of introspection helps us heal our “inner child,” rebuild self-worth, and start engaging with the world from a place of love rather than survival.

A Final Reflection

Perhaps one of the most powerful metaphors Iqra shared was that of being “thirsty for love.” When we are emotionally thirsty, we often accept relationships that don’t truly nourish us—overlooking red flags and sacrificing ourselves just to feel loved. But healing quenches that thirst. It allows us to feel full from within, so we no longer chase love that harms us.

Let us take a moment to remember that emotional well-being is not a luxury—it is a necessity. We are not here just to survive but to thrive, to love, and to be loved in ways that honour our worth and honour the commitment we made to Allah (swt).

If you’ve ever struggled with overgiving, emotional imbalance, or relationships that leave you feeling drained, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible. Peace is possible. And it begins with awareness, boundaries, and a deep commitment to valuing your own heart.

You are worthy of a relationship that brings you peace, not pain. And you are allowed to say no to anything that costs you your joy.